Thursday, January 14, 2010
So, I went to the doctor yesterday for an annual exam (you ladies know what I'm talking about) and it brought back all kinds of mixed emotions. I love my midwife, she's awesome. We were like old friends just sitting around talking, except for the fact that I didn't have any pants on, but thats besides the point! Anyways, we were talking about life, and everything else, and she asked me what my plans were on having more kids. Now, this is a very touchy subject for me. She has been there for me for the last 8 years, and she herself has also struggled with infertility. I honestly didn't know what to say. I will be 30 in a few months, and I wanted to be done with having kids by then. But, there's something inside of me thats not ready to say I'm done. Now, I know that some of you might think that hey, I've got 2 kids, what the hell is wrong with me? I LOVE my kids. I thank Heavenly Father every single day that he has blessed me with them. I love being a mom. But is it too much to ask for one more, or is that selfish? Carleigh has been asking me for a sister, and I really want her to have one, but my body is broken, it does not work the way its supposed to. As I sat there talking to her, I remembered all of those times I had been in that office, and hearing the words, sorry not pregnant, try again next month. Lets up your dosage of clomid......etc. I remembered all of the times I drove home crying, hoping I wouldn't get in an accident. But then, I also remembered the times I went there, and found out I was having a girl, and then a boy, and seeing my babies ultrasoounds. I know I sound bi-polar at this point, and I've been rambling, but I just needed to vent. I need to make peace with my infertility issues, but the fact of the matter is it hurts. Even after 2 kids, it hurts. Hearing about your family and friends, and complete strangers, it hurts. So, I left yesterday with my mixed emotions, and a hug form Karen(my midwife) and once again, I cried all the way home.